Can People Pleasers Find True Love?

Are you a recovering People Pleasure? You're not alone.

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Are you a recovering People Pleaser? You’re not alone.

Psychology folks say your need to please and do for others is deeply rooted in a fear of rejection and/or fear of failure. No shit Sherlock, I say to both. Personally, I have managed to embrace my fear of failure and truly believe there are no mistakes, only lessons.

But, it is still hard to keep this monster at bay. When I launched my business, Something In Common, the failure monster reared its ugly head frequently. Like someone from the past who kept showing up uninvited that I have to contend with. When this happens, I push the worry and pain away and remind myself that it is my EGO talking.

Failure- I’m good with this. I love to learn and grow and luckily, I keep most failures filed in my head. Failures aren’t permanent, I tell myself, they are obstacles to overcome, challenges.

BUT, let’s talk about the FUCKING FEAR OF REJECTION!

A people pleaser thinks “If I don’t do everything I can to make this person happy they will leave or stop liking me”.

Holy shit, this fear has caused me so much angst, resentment, and wasted time, in my romantic relationships! I can write an epic novel filled with “pathetic” examples. (pathetic is a horrible word that I use to use to describe my neediness. Yes, my own self-loathing of my vulnerability- my head shaming my heart). I am trying not to use that word anymore, it’s mean.

I have learned to self-soothe, self-care, love myself from the inside out. I have done a spectacular job of taking care of the outside. I exercise, get regular mani/pedis, facials, remove unwanted hair, color my hair and love Botox.

My healthy confidence has afforded me great friends, career, and community. My spiritual life is strong too. For all intents and purposes, I present like someone who has her shit together. I genuinely am that person until a potential intimate, romantic partner enters the picture.

This poor, unsuspecting guy thinks he is getting to know a confident, irreverent, social butterfly (and he is) but there’s the other part of me, lurking in the shadows, the hurt little girl who wants to be loved and is deathly afraid of rejection. I am 53, so I am an expert at hiding this little girl and leading with the confident, playful woman.

I am tired of hiding the little girl. Like the rest of us, she just wants to be seen and heard. I am healing her by doing more of this:

  1. Communicating my feelings when things don’t feel right, even at the risk of the other person not being happy. Speaking my truth in a respectful way greatly reduces my resentment and passive-aggressive reactions. It saves me time and gives me the confidence to listen to my partner.
  2. Setting boundaries and expectations from the onset. People treat you like you let them treat you.
  3. Guess what? I am in a healthy mature relationship now and he has met the scared little girl inside of me. He is kind and patient with her. It feels safe and liberating to show my fears, express my worries and ask for help. I am changing my narrative and learning to expect different results.

What is your fear? Comment below, or schedule an appointment and let’s talk about it. Call Galia!

Continue the conversation by leaving a comment on The Good Men Project.

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